Prepare yourself for a classic "Don't judge a book by its cover" story. One night I knelt down to say hello to Dee, and this is what happened:
"Hi Dee, how ya doin'?"
"Oh I'm doing just fine!"
"Anything exciting happen today?"
"Well, you know, I'm just thankful to be alive! You know, they were gonna burn me to death, but I prayed and God was with me, so here I am!"
Whoa. Did not see that one coming.
She then proceeded to tell me "her story." As with any story you might hear from a person with dementia, you can never quite be sure how much of the tale is true. But I would not doubt that even if the story is not entirely factual, it is somehow still a reflection of the person's character and history. So I will tell this story as Dee told it to me, recognizing that, because she believes it to be entirely true, we should consider it as such - because she is living day to day as if this is where she has come from. And once you hear where she believes she has come from, it starts to seem pretty remarkable that she has such a persistant smile on her face and song in her heart.
When Dee was in her early 20s, she told all her friends she'd never get married. But of course, there was a man who liked her. He chased after her for 5 years, then went off to war. He came home, chased for two more years, then finally said, "Dee, please marry me. I'd love to have some children and start a family with you." So she gave in. They spent every minute together after that. But she told him she didn't want to have kids for 2 years; that way there would be no doubt that she was an honest, christian woman. They eventually were blessed with 3 kids: two boys, one girl, each four years apart. He said he'd be with her forever. They were married for 60 years before he got sick and died. Before he died, he told her, "Now, Dee, I want you to know you're the only woman I ever loved. You gave me three beautiful children and made me a very happy man. And you're going to be just fine."
The church wanted to take up an offering to help her out financially after he passed away. Well, one man had put a substantial amount of money in the plate. Afterwards, however, somebody told him that Dee didn't really need the money. He angrily confronted her and asked for his money back. She told him she didn't have it, never touched it. He said "You give me back my money or I'm going to kill you." But she didn't have the money. So he went and got two men and had them track her down, and sure enough they caught her. They were going to burn her to death. She was terrified, but she kept praying, "God, I'll do it. If this is what I need to do, I'll do it. But please forgive these men for what they're doing. Let them see someday that there is a God and He is good." She told the men she was praying for them, and just then the cops came in and saved her. But as she would put it, God saved her.
That wasn't the first time He saved her. Dee said she has always had health issues. For example, when she was born they said she wouldn't live to age 4. She had great difficulty with childbirth, among other illnesses. But lo and behold, here she is, by the grace of God, 88 years old and the proud mother of 3 healthy children.
Dee's story is not the first that I've heard of such extremity. I wish dearly that I could just as easily say about all of them, "Oh, there's no way that really happened. They're just confused and coming up with tales." But unfortunately I know that some of them are actually true. Most of our residents (all senior citizens actually...heck, everyone) have all of these intense, deep backgrounds, some very painful, and we just greet them nonchalantly, as if having this incredible life survivor sitting before us is no big deal.
- One of our women saw her husband drown in a lake after only a couple years of being married.
- I've been told another resident has a very painful, touching story - so much so that I haven't had the heart to ask her or her family what it is for fear of upsetting them.
- Another female resident has a masters degree in theology, but now is so trapped by the inability to form words that she probably has all sorts of theological concerns/questions rattling around in her head with no way to sort through them.
- I don't even need to mention the number of war veterans in that generation.
- Another woman kept and raised a daughter with a severe mental illness (this was unheard of at that time - most babies of that nature were "discarded" in the 1930s, sometimes without the mother ever even knowing what really happened). Oh, and she did it all within a loveless marriage. I'll tell more of her story in another post...
Yet I can say that for every single one of these people, you'd never know it for their smile. They have all come through some sort of life tragedy, if not more than one, but they all found a way to keep living, to keep thriving. It really is remarkable. And yet I still catch myself frowning over the dumbest things. It seems that smiling in the midst of adversity is a skill learned with age. Maybe if we start recognizing the stories of our elders, really hearing the incredible histories that have shaped them, we can start to learn that skill a little faster.
***
On a lighter note, in case you thought people over the age of 80 are entirely wholesome and prude, think again. Just whip out a picture of Frank Sinatra and say "Isn't he handsome?" to a group of elderly women (one of my first rookie mistakes)...you'd never believe what they would do to that man if they only had one night (their words, not mine). I'll spare you the details.
I've learned that it is possible to be, dare I say, candidly crude with senior citizens every now and then. They were 20-something once too, after all. And they are certainly not made of glass. "There's nothing new under the sun," right? Forgive me if this is at all inappropriate, but sometimes these jaw-dropping moments are worth sharing just to remind us how, well, human they are. And funny...downright funny.
During trivia one night:
Me: "Does an octopus give birth to live babies or lay eggs?"
Residents: "Lay eggs!"
Me: "Yep, octopuss...octopi...octopuses....what in the world is the plural of octopus? Octopuses?"
Resident #1: "Hahahaha - you said pusses!"
Resident #2: "It's octopi."
Me: "Okay, whew. I'd rather have pie than pusses anyway." *under my breath: "I'm gonna get fired."
Turns out they're both grammatically acceptable (thanks, Google). But after that conversation, I'd probably argue that one is more socially acceptable than the other. Although if there's one thing that I've learned from my residents, it's that the most "socially acceptable" choice is not always the most fun. And sometimes, you just need to have some fun...and that's okay.
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