Ruined for Romance

I was taking a 102 year old woman's order for dinner tonight.  She didn't have an appetite, which is not uncommon.  I couldn't sell the meatloaf, or the glazed beats; I couldn't even convince her to try the "Zesty Veggie Couscous."

I decided to cut straight to the "Well I hope you'll at least have some of the cherry cake - there's always room for that!"  She still wouldn't fall for it.  I half-jokingly, half-pleadingly tried to get her to try something from the menu, but she simply was not hungry.  Finally, she looked at me and said, "You know, you're a very coaxing girl.  Your poor husband - you must talk his ears off!"  When I told her I wasn't married yet, she said with a smirk, "Hm - maybe that's why."

I would like to take a moment to address any single, handsome young men who might be reading this: Don't worry.  I wouldn't really talk your ear off.  Unless of course you were refusing to eat cake.  Then again I probably wouldn't be terribly compatible with any man who would refuse cake in the first place...

Back to the post.

Tonight was not the first time I've had a resident assume I'm married.  Either I look a lot older than my age, or it was fairly common for people in their generation to get married before they were 21.  Either way, it does get me thinking.  What has changed?  All of a sudden we live in a society where it is more normal for women to become "independent" and "self-sufficient," remaining unmarried often well into their 30s, than it is to find a husband and start a life together right out of school (or soon after).

I'm not sure I want to get into the sociology of all of that right now, so I'll move on to another related point I've been thinking about lately.

Getting to know my residents has ruined me for romance.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist anymore, at least not the way it used to.  I think the most potent cause would be the music from their generation.  It's so gosh darn precious.

Again, to any single, handsome young men out there who might by any chance be plotting to woo me, sing (or enthusiastically read) a verse from "Bicycle Built for Two" or "Tea for Two" to me and I'll be putty in your hands.  

Let's do a comparison.

Jason Derulo's song, "In My Head," made it to the top of the charts in 2010.  Go figure, with lyrics like these:

"Everybody's looking for love

Ain't that the reason you're at this club?
You ain't gon' find it dancing with him

Got a better solution for you girl

Just leave with me now, say the word and we'll go

I'll be your teacher, I'll show you the ropes

You'll see a side of love you've never known

I can see it going down, going down

In my head, I see you all over me

In my head, you fulfill my fantasy

In my head, you'll be screaming 'ohhh'...

Some dudes know all the right things to say

When it comes down to it, it's all just game

Instead of talking, let me demonstrate

Get down to business, let's skip foreplay..."

Sounds kind of sweet at first, right?  Like he knows she's looking for love, and he knows she's not going to find it in a club.  However, instead of, oh, I don't know, actually loving her, he basically tells her to give up looking for real love and settle for a romp in the sack with him.  Classy.

Now let's look at "I'll Be With You in Apple Blossom Time," a popular song from the '20s:

"I'm writing you, dear, just to tell you

In September, you remember?

'Neath the old apple tree,

You whispered to me

When it blossomed again, you'd be mine.

I've waited until I could claim you,
I hope I've not waited in vain.
For when it's Spring in the valley,
I'm coming, my sweetheart, again!

I'll be with you

In apple blossom time.

I'll be with you

To change your name to mine..."

Or how about "Ain't Misbehavin'," originally recorded in 1929 by Fats Waller:

"No one to talk with

All by myself

No one to walk with

But I'm happy on the shelf

Ain't misbehavin'

Saving my love for you

I know for certain

The one that I love

I'm through with flirtin'

It's just you that I'm thinking of

Ain't misbehavin'

I'm saving my love for you

Like Jack Horner

In the corner

Don't go nowhere

What do I care?
Your kisses are worth waiting for

Believe me..."

Need I say more?

I hear lyrics like these all the time at work.  I hear stories from 90 year old women about how they met their husbands, dated/courted/friended them for sometimes upwards of ten years before they got married...and get this, the men waited.  It's like the men picked the girl they wanted when they were young, then waited, pursued and wooed for as long as it took for her to be ready.  For her.  For that one girl.

I can't even fathom that.

It probably sounds like I'm blaming it all on the men, saying they're not "gentlemen" enough anymore.  That they're all players and there are no exceptions.  That they only want sex, not love.  But I do still sincerely hope the exceptions are out there.  I think they are, but I suppose us ladies have some responsibility in this as well if we're ever going to find them.

We have to be willing to wait.  To be pursued.  And once we're pursued, to not instantly cave and lose all sense of identity and value.  To be willing to wait it out.  Test the waters.  See if he'll wait for you.  Don't be desperate.  For goodness sake, you're beautiful and worth waiting for, but he's never going to see that unless you believe it yourself first.

I guess to wrap it up, I'll say two things:

To the guys, please don't take relationship advice from Jason Derulo.  Don't be sleazeballs.  And try to see if there is something of substance behind what you think is just another desperate girl before you dismiss her, because nine times out of ten, there probably is.

And to the ladies, I'll re-post a quote from one of my residents back in October.  I think it's my favorite piece of advice thus far and worth coming back to:

"Don't be too smart; don't be too dumb.  Just be nice.  Be his friend.  You know, my husband was never the type to let his hands wander all over me.  He was nice.  He was quiet.  He let me speak first.  If you need to, kick him in the ass and say goodbye.  But if you're gonna marry him, wrap that chain around him and hold on tight; don't let go.  But if he's not it, wait till you find someone who is.  And in the meantime just behave as if you were an old woman.  Don't stress about it.  You've got enough spunk to entertain yourself for a time."

Even though I'd consider myself "ruined for romance," and I'm convinced there is not a man alive who would be willing to wait until next year's apple blossom's for me, I suppose I can try acting like a spunky old woman for a while to give one some time to prove me wrong...

...I hope he likes cheesy trivia questions and puns.

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

by the gazelles or the wild does:

do not stir up or awaken love

until it is ready!"

- Song of Solomon 2:7

Letters to Youngsters: Part One

 I interviewed some residents today for a project I'm calling "Letters to Youngsters."  Basically, I talked to them one on one, explaining the project and asking the following question: "If you could give any piece of advice to a person in their 20s, what would you tell them?"  These are some of the responses I got...

---
"Stay home and do your work.  I guess you could have fun too, just don't get into trouble."
---
"You have to realize what we had.  We just had water.  Know your fire safety.  You have all that technology - use it."
---
"Learn how to do things so you don't get into trouble.  Get up there and you push that darn broom.  If you get used to hard work early, then it won't seem so hard."
---
"Stop smoking and drinking.  Get a job and spend your money on other things.  And help your mother and dad."
---
"Listen to your mother.  Help them out.  They've had the experience.  And use common sense."
---
"Young people need to ask advice of the 'old people' and stop sticking up their noses.  When I was a teenager, I was thrilled to have a more mature person take a chance on me."
---
"I'll hang around with you, but if you're gonna run away I'm gonna throw rocks at you.  When you people are young, you think about everything but age."
---
"Try to stay home.  All I hear from those young guys is 'I wanna go to the Army, I wanna go to the Army.'  Why?  All that fighting isn't helping anything."
---
"The more you learn, the better you're going to be.  And keep your children as close as you can."
---
"These later days have ruined everybody.  People just walk down the street and shoot people.  I hate it!"
---
"Be careful when you marry.  Very careful.  Make sure he loves you.  A loveless marriage is worse than no marriage at all.  Go with him a while.  Take your time.  I went with my husband 11 years before we were married.  We were happily married for 27 years until he died from a heart attack."
---
"I didn't get married until I was 27.  But you know it varies from person to person.  Maybe that's right for some people.  You just gotta know if you're ready to settle down or if you're not.  'Cause when you get married, you have to settle down.  All of a sudden there's two opinions, and two people have to be satisfied; so you have to be ready to always think of the other person.  Married life is not a single life.  You just can't do that.  Age don't mean anything either.  Some people just aren't the marrying type, doesn't matter how old they get."
---


Look for "Letters to Youngsters: Part Two" coming soon!

Behind the Wrinkles

It dawned on me the other day that I really am starting to learn a lot about these people.  


There are 48 residents right now that I could look at and immediately tell you what their food restrictions are.  If you tried to hand a "mechanical soft" person a pretzel, I would slap it out of your hand faster than you could say "Here, Grandma" and substitute it with some hulless popcorn.


I could tell you how many children the majority of them have, and if you begged hard enough, I could probably even sing a song for most of them that I know they are particularly fond of.

I love that I get to have such a special window into their lives like that.  Sometimes I'll learn something out of the blue that I never would've expected.  Sometimes a small little fact won't surprise me in the least.  But either way, I love having the opportunity to discover different pieces of the puzzle that have composed each weathered soul that sits before me.


A couple weeks ago, one resident played piano for me.  I knew she played her whole life, but since I have been working there I don't think she has played.  One day she mentioned something about it, and before I knew it we were sitting at the piano together.  I gave her a hymnal to look through but I could tell she already knew many of them by heart.  She mostly did one-handed melodies very softly, but here and there she would add a second hand and out of nowhere produce some of the most beautiful chords I’ve ever heard.  She was a little shy about it, but seeing her sit there was just simply beautiful.  I know she grew up in a big family, and it was almost as if sitting behind a piano was her safe place to get away.  When we were done she said she will have to ask the teacher if maybe a couple times a week she could stay after school to practice.


Here's a photo of her.  I blurred it a little to protect her identity, but I think you can still see the beauty of it: 

If you walk down the hall, all the residents might look the same to you.  Most are sitting in a wheelchair; many would be sleeping, and about 96% of them have solid white hair, wrinkles, and glasses.


But after getting to know them, you'll realize they really are incredibly unique.


One used to be a fantastic painter.  
One of them adopted a child.
One used to work in a children's clothing store.  
A couple of them were Pastors.  
One woman was raised by nuns.
One man loves Rock and Roll.  
One loved going to Church Camp. 
One was a pilot.  
One owned a taxi company with her husband.
Many women were beauticians.
One lady was climbing ladders and cleaning windows just a couple months ago.  
One man was a doctor.
One woman was a nurse.
One of our ladies is a very talented yodeler.  
One loves listening to gospel music and still dances with her husband.  
One used to let her Huskie/Shepherd mix run free by the river.  
One woman loves Victor Borge. (And who can blame her??)
One woman saw Frank Sinatra in person.
One man plays the drums.  


I've got a long way to go before I really know the stories of each resident, but so far, I believe what has shaped them is beautiful.  I think I'll be shamelessly cheesy right now and encourage you to go document your life somehow.  Facebook will probably help with that in the coming generations, but keep a journal too, or make some good ol' fashioned photo albums or something.  You might think it's drab, but trust me, when you're 85, some 21 year old girl might think your story is the most fantastically inspiring thing in the world.

There will be a story behind the wrinkles whether you saw it coming or not, I promise.

And for the love of God, don't get Botox.  Wrinkles are beautiful, okay?